wheel running at sea

I’ve been at sea for too many years to remember and I must admit I’m starting to feel a bit of a loner. My hands look like some other person’s hands and every time I take a piss I wonder if it’s me holding my chap or some guy with nice hands that could pass on as mine.

I’ve even stopped thinking about women since then. Come to think of it, I’ve never thought about women except for when they were around. They used to look at me with their flowery faces and dance and sing to me. And I would go to sleep. Not anymore. They went blind and I went deaf. The singing still goes on, though.

Sometimes I stop thinking alltogether. The only moments I use to think I just fantasize about taking my own life.

I started with drowning. Quite pathetic, I know. Way to handy. Let’s face it. I have the sea at hand. I could die in a storm if I hit my head on the deck but I could never drown. Do suicidal firemen choose to die in a fire? Don’t think so.

The second choice was slitting my throat. Tried to do it while shaving. I like my neck too much though and instead I broke the mirror in my room. I did take it off the wall and placed it on the poop deck. I like watching myself literally blown to smithereens before I go to sleep. Reminds me I’m not alone.

Third on my list came sharks. I took 'em off the list as soon as they came to mind. I’m not that heroic. And the idea of serving as food to fish I’ve been hunting all my life would be a little bit too fair in setting the universal balance even for me.

There was no forth. The coward in me said stop and started to drink until I fainted. I woke up the next day the sun beating down my neck, saliva beating up my throat.

And then she finally came.

This gentle gust that seemed to say you’ll be fine. At least that was the message that got to me. Nature has its way of settling things as well as disturbing them. As long as it’s not human, I’ll go along with her and ask no questions. I know she has no ulterior motives. And if she does, she’s been around for so long that she knows her way.

I’m equally terrified by her raging strength and dumbfounded by her stealing beauty and I surrender.